Friday, March 12, 2021

 

Little Nancy...
   
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Even though he didn't much like the kid he was interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing. He asked, "What are you up tothere, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
  The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a Goldfish, isn't it?"

  Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat." 

~~~

 For all blondes
   
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.  Boy oh boy, did we go around!  Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back from him. Guess I won that stupid argument.

~~~

Child's View 


A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).  While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.  As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.  The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.  "How did you know?" his mom asked "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."

~~~

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows.  On the back of the picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.  Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right?  But let's revise things a bit.  We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory.  His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.  In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.  In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

~~~

Blonde in a Hail Storm


A blonde was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm.  The hail stones were as big as golf balls.  Her car got dented up real bad..


The next day she took it to a repair shop.  The repair guy noticing that she was blonde, decided to have some fun and told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out..
When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her..


Her friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"
She told her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out, but it wasn't working..
Her girl friend said "well duhhhh...you need to roll up the windows first"

~~~

How to bathe a cat......

1.  Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2.  Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3.  Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any vulnerable surface they can find.

5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6.  Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7.  Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8.  The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
JOB DONE!

~~~

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
     1.   Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

     2.   Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

     3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

     4.   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

     5.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

     6.   Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

     7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

     8.   Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

     9.   Check label to make sure pill not armful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

     10.   Retrieve cat from neighbors shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

     11.    Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

~~~

If You Love Something

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.....
You either married it or gave birth to it.

~~~

Wishing for the Impossible

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" 


The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" 


The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. 


Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." 


The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" 

~~~

Farm Life

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last  $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." 

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.The man tells her that he can sell for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.


She walks into the telegraph office, and says,  "I want to send a telegram my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head.  "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back  to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable' ?"


The brunette explains,  "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

~~~

Mom's Day Out
 My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind  her.
 "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
 Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love  to!"    
 They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that  Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family  dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

~~~

Lip Prints
middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.  A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.  That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their Lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.  She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.  He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

~~~

 The EPA

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber
land in Oregon.  There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good
view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl
that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to
the ground and got many splinters in her private
parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest
doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor
reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get
permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management
before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area".

~~~

US Naval Communications This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

~~~

Pet Names
 Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.  Morris, the
 host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
 calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
 
 Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep
 calling your wife those pet names."
 
 Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

~~~ 

Language
 "I had a college professor who said that it's man's ability to
 use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
 That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates
 us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." 

~~~

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
 English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
 languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
 negative.  However, there is no language wherein a double
 positive can form a negative."
 
 A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

~~~

 Loosing it All
 A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of
 friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband
 when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
 "Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

~~~

The Frog
 One day a Little Johnny went up to his kindergarten
 teacher and told her that he had found a frog. The
 teacher asked the little boy if the frog was alive
 or dead. He said that the poor helpless frog was
 dead. The teacher was wondering how the boy knew
 for sure that the frog was dead.
 
 The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
 
 The teacher said, "you WHAT?"
 
 He said, "you know, I went to his ear and said,
 'PSST!' and it didn't move...So it must be dead."

~~~

Dalmatian
 A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
 kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the  front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children  started to discuss the dog's duties.
 
 "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
 
 "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
 
 "I know!" said a third...
 
 "They use it to find the fire hydrant!"

~~~

The Argument
A couple drove several miles down a
country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument,
and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs,
the wife sarcastically asked,  "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied,
"Inlaws."

~~~

The Corvette
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff.  He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.  He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.  Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.  Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.  The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.  He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.  Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.  Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.  A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.  The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.  He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

~~~

Burglary
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.  Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" 

~~~

eBeatles

Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was
I could not say.

Now my data's gone
and I long
for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
~~~~~~~
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users,
why does it take so long? 

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

~~~

Magic Lamp
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for years and years they lived there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was home.", and POOF she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my family also.", and POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here." 

~~~

Another Genie Joke
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. 


"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where no one but beautiful & lonely women reside."
POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females fighting over him. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

~~~

A Spectacular Job
One day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it
up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared. "I'll grant
you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a
spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or
has ever attempted to do."
"Done!" said the genie. "You're a housewife." (POOF).

~~~

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

~~~

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

~~~

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder and got pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently.  "It means carrying a child."

~~~

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic." 

~~~

First Day of Psychiatry Class
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on
emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters", said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.

~~~

Flower Switch
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site, and the owner read the card, which said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'" 

~~~

FARMER JOHN Farmer John once lived on a quiet  rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so  heavy  and so fast that his free range chickens were  being run over, at a rate of three  to six a week.

 So Farmer John called the local police station to  complain, "You've got to do something about all  these people driving so fast  and killing all my chickens," he said  to the local police officer.

 "What do you want me to do?" asked the  policeman.

 "I don't care, just do something about  those crazy drivers!"

 So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a
 sign that said: ”SCHOOL CROSSING”

 Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and  said,
 "You've still got to do something about these  drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster!"

 So again, they put up a new sign:  ”SLOW,  CHILDREN AT PLAY”

 That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and  said, "Your  signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

 In order to get Farmer John off his back said  "Sure. Put up your own sign.

 The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but  curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the  problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

 "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been  killed.

 The policeman was really curious and thought he'd  better
 go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow
 drivers down..

 So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

 His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


 'NUDIST COLONY'
 'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'

~~~

The 10 O’clock News…

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Jack says, “You know what, I bet he will.” The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.”

Jack replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

The blonde replies, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

~~~

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little.
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.
A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.

For a second time, she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack, and again was unable to make the step.


About this time, a big Texan who was behind her in the line, picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well!!!...

She went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!!  I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Have a good 

Weekend!

2 comments:

  1. Those were some pretty good chuckle inducers, BBC. AND...you saved the best for last! Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gleaned from back in the day when emailing was fun.
      (I knew I was saving the best one for last...)

      Delete