G'nite
Friday, February 28, 2020
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”
When Insults Had Class…
These glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
? A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
? “He had delusions of adequacy .” -Walter Kerr
? “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
? “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow
? “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
? “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses Hadas
? “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -Mark Twain
? “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” -Oscar Wilde
? “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
? “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” -Winston Churchill, in response
? “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -Stephen Bishop
? “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” -John Bright
? “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb
? “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson
? “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
? “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -Charles, Count Talleyrand
? “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” Forrest Tucker
? “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -Mark Twain
? “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” -Mae West
? “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” -Oscar Wilde
? “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
? “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” -Billy Wilder
? “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx
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