Women & toilets!

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.

Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago.

I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance.

The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean.

You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for goodness sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere.

So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely.
And you finally get closer.

You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance.

Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper dispenser is empty.

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.

You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long! as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here You might need this."

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?"
he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. 

~~~~~~~~

 Women Drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?....... I think not. 

~~~~~~~~

Yet Another Blonde Joke
A married couple is asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The blonde wife picks up the telephone, listens a moment and shouts, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hangs up. The husband says, "Who was
that?" The wife says, "I don't know. Somebody asking if the coast is clear."

~~~~~~~~

Butter Cups

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF!  In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.  She said, "I'm Mother Nature!  Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups.   Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered to his friend, Fred.  "Fred, where are you?"   Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Dave yells back....."Don't Swing, Fred!!!  For the love of God, Don't Swing.!!!"

~~~~~~~~

Cyrus says, "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad says,    "Ah, my son. I guess one day you will need to find out anyway...soooo

Your mother and I got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-café.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

 YOU'VE GOT MALE!"

~~~~~~~~

Old but still have my wits about me.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.  The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.  He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

~~~~~~~~

 A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.

The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.  "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"

 

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "just one?!!  Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!  How much was the sale for?

The kid says " $101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,237.64?  WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"

Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."

~~~~~~~~

A Cowboy's Guide to Life 

* Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

 *Breathe!

~~~~~~~~

  Little Nancy...
  
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Even though he didn't much like the kid he was interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing. He asked, "What are you up to
there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
  The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a Goldfish, isn't it?"

  Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

~~~~~~~~

For all Blondies
  
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work
had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.  Boy oh boy, did we go around!  Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end, so I just
hung up, and I haven't heard back from him. Guess I won that stupid argument.

~~~~~~~~

The Test

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this...on question #4 the Yankee put down "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

~~~~~~~~

Child's View

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).  While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.  As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.  The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

~~~~~~~~

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.  "How did you know?" his mom asked "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom." 

~~~~~~~~

Cookies to die for
An elderly man was dying in his bed.  In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.  With even greater effort, he forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.  There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.  Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.  His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.  The aged and withered hand shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.  "They're for the funeral."

~~~~~~~~

First graders were given these clichés to "finish the sentence"

1.  If at first you don't succeed.....go play.

2.  Eat, drink, and.....go to the bathroom.

3.  All's fair in......hockey.

4.  He who laughs last......didn't understand the joke.

5.  People in glass houses......better not take off their clothes
6.  All work and no play.......is disgusting.

7.  Don't put all your eggs......in the microwave.

8.  Better to be safe than..................punch a 5th grader.

9.  Strike while the .............................bug is close.

10.  It's always darkest before...........Daylight Savings Time.

11.  Never underestimate the power of..................termites.

12.  You can lead a horse to water but.....................how?

13.  Don't bite the hand that......................looks dirty.

14.  No news is......................................impossible.

15.  A miss is as good as a................................  Mr.

16.  You can't teach an old dog new........................math.

17.  If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.

18.  Love all, trust.........................................me.

19.  The pen is mightier than the..........................pigs.

20.  An idle mind is......................The best way to relax.

21.  Where there's smoke there's......................pollution.

22.  Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents.

23.  A penny saved is.................................not much.

24.  Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers.

25.  Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

26.  Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........you have to blow your nose.

27.  None are so blind as..........................Helen Keller.

28.  Children should be seen and not........spanked or grounded.

29.  When the blind leadeth the blind........get out of the way.

~~~~~~~~

How to bathe a cat......

1.  Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2.  Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3.  Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any vulnerable surface they can find.

5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6.  Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7.  Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8.  The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
JOB DONE!

~~~~~~~~

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

     1.   Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

     2.   Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

     3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

     4.   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

     5.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

     6.   Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

     7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

     8.   Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

     9.   Check label to make sure pill not armful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

     10.   Retrieve cat from neighbors shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

     11.    Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

~~~~~~~~

What Cats Do For Us

Warm our laps
Give us someone to talk to
Help reduce high blood pressure
Bring the winter air inside, nestled in their coats.
Create a kindred feeling with other "cat people".
Make us more aware of birds.
Donate their services as alarm clocks.
Display daring acrobatic feats right in front of our eyes.
Contribute to living a longer life
Make a window sill more beautiful
Keep mice on the run
Make us smile
Inspire poets and playwrights
Teach us how to land on our feet
Let us indulge our desires to really spoil someone
Make our homes warmer
Remind us that life is mysterious
Share with us the all-is-well experience of purring.
Instruct us in the luxurious art of stretching
Show us how to lick our wounds and go on
Give us cool cartoon characters.
Make even an old worn couch look beautiful
Open our hearts         - Unknown

~~~~~~~~

The CAT User's Manual
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation

CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester
Manufactured by MOMCAT
System Design Specifications:

User Friendly
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Routines for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power
Mode


Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units.

Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.

Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user
may manually remove any bugs.

Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20 degrees C (+/- 3 degrees tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to
sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.

The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or lying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.


A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs.

Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try
to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the
system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. Such units will sit across the room with its back to you.

Applications: At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT.

MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:

CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.

JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.

MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape.  Reboot the system by calling its name.

CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.

CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup.

Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by
removing an internal part. Such systems should run unix.

Warning Notices: CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems.
Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.

Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.

Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".

Service Life: As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good.

CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

User Groups: CAT users can find other users and a FAQ on the Usenet newsgroup rec.pets.cats.

Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.


Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.

Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to disappear.

System Features:

Models: Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.

Interface: Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.


Memory: Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.

Expected Lifetime: 15 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).

Weight: 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.

Speed: 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.

Color Graphics: Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terabits of high resolution floating point pixels.

Sound Chip 8 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).

Power Consumpution: 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)

Operating Range: -30! to +45! C (-22! to 105!)

Vibration: 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.

Contacting CAT Technical Support: Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they wake up from their nap.

Submit your CAT bug report. Requests for enhancement (rfe), etc. Remember: it's not a bug, it's a flea. Don't bother sending in your complaints: just like your CAT unit, our technicians won't pay attention either.