Friday, March 9, 2018

Thoughts on Genealogy

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.

Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

Searching for lost relatives?  Win the lottery!

Every family tree has some sap in it.

Genealogy: A haystack full of needles. It's the threads I need.

Heredity:  Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools.

I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.

Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related. 

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Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life?

 Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
 Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

 Rule #1:
 When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill.  It does not matter if he already has one.  I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to  complain.  As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. 
 No one knows why.

 Rule #2:
 If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.  Men love saying those two words  "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK.  By-the-way, are you through with  my 3/8-inch socket yet?"  Again, no one knows why.

 Rule #3:
 If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror.  Men love gifts for their cars.  No one knows why.

 Rule #4:
 Never buy men bathrobes.  Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

 Rule #5:
 You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.  If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with  the little picture in the corner.  Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

 Rule #6:
 Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or
 deodorant.  I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

 Rule #7:
 Buy men label makers.  Almost as good as cordless drills.  Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.  "Socks.   Shorts. Cups.  saucers.  Door.  Lock.  Sink." You get the idea. 
 No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

 Rule #8:
 Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
 No one knows why.

 Rule #9:
 Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.   (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's  stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is.   ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need.  Hey!  Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?  Wow! thanks.")

 Rule #10:
 Men enjoy danger.  That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue.  (No one knows why)  Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane  tank.  Tell him the gas line leaks.  "Oh the thrill!  The challenge! 
 Who wants a hamburger?"

 Rule #11:
 Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift.  However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
 Everyone knows why.

 Rule #12:
 Men love chain saws.  Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw.  If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he  gets a label maker.

 Rule #13:
 It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.  Never buy a real man a stepladder.  It must be an extension  ladder.  No one knows why.

 Rule #14:
 Rope.  Men love rope.  It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts.  Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"  manila rope.  No one knows why.

~~~~~~~~

Home Economics 1950's

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main
part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the
tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the
children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair,
and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures
and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but
the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you
out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to
understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be
home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

NOW THE UPDATED VERSION FOR THE 90'S WOMAN:

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your
day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message
regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the Lancome counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be
placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding
him that you make more money than he does.

~~~~~~~~

Making Babies
 Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
 Little Annie is now silent for a while.

 "You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

 "Yes," replies her daughter.

 "Do you still have any questions?"

 "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

 "In exactly the same way as with babies."

 "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

~~~~~~~~

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.

But if Bob, Tom, Ryan and Dave go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bonehead, Dogman, Cucciolo (thats "puppy" in italian) and Pooman.

EATING OUT
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys them.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer, then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sak’s. When she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats. When women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style".

WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about
"the ceremony".

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

~~~~~~~~

The New Lion Tamer
The circus advertised for the new lion tamer and had two applicants - a young women and an older man.

The circus manager decided to test their skills with the lion so he first asked the young women to show him what she could do.

She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the lion walked up and nuzzled her bare legs.

The astonished circus owner then said to the old man, "Can you do that?"

"You're darn right I can," said the old man, "just get the lion out of there first." 

~~~~~~~~

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living
 room while his father was trying to read in the den. 
 The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching
 sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he
 began to howl loudly.

 The father listened to the dog and the violin as long
 as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to
 the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake,
 can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
~~~~~~~~

Subject: Chevy-Nova Awards

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award.  This is
given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this
car in Central and South America.  "No va" means, of course,
in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

1.  The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign
"Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.  It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation
read "Are you lactating?"

2.  Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where
it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3.  Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux."

4.  Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.  Not
too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5.  When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the
label.  Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely
 put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people
can't read.

6.  Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
name of a notorious porno magazine.

7.  An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of "I
saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

8.  Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated
into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9.  The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect.  Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10.  Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to
make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it
takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11.  When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its
ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket
and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12.  When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new
 leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated
its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

~~~~~~~~

Dividing The Pecans

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.

"Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick", said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard.  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."


The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.


At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They said the old guy made it back to town a full 5 minutes before the young boy.

~~~~~~~~

Come Hell or High Water
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.  Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

 Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from  the house, then back again?"

 Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

~~~~~~~~

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little.
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.


A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. For a second time, she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.


With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack, and again was unable to make the step.


About this time, a big Texan who was behind her in the line, picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well!!!...

She went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!!  I don't even know who you are!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."







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