Friday, March 9, 2018

The Images of a Mother:
  4 YEAR OLD:   My Mommy can do anything!
  8 YEAR OLD:   My Mom knows a lot!  A whole lot!
  12 YEAR OLD:  My Mother doesn't really know
                               quite everything.
  14 YEAR OLD:  Naturally, my Mother doesn't know
                               that, either.
  16 YEAR OLD:  Mother?  She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
  18 YEAR OLD:  That old woman?  She's way out of date!
  25 YEAR OLD:  Well, she might know a little bit about it.
  35 YEAR OLD:  Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
  45 YEAR OLD:  Wonder what Mom would have thought

                                thought about it?

  65 YEAR OLD:  Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....

~~~~~~~~

The Texan
 A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.
 After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into
 a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas
 they have larger runways on their ranches...

 They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and
 the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond
 bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to
 span it that makes this look like a toy". 

 The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn
 "Is this a road, or a track?"

 So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab,
 causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes,
 the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid grass
 hoppers!"

~~~~~~~~

 LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
 --------------------------
  An application was for employment
  A program was a TV show
  A cursor used profanity
  A keyboard was a piano!

  Memory was something that you lost with age
  A CD was a bank account
  And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
  You hoped nobody found out!

  Compress was something you did to garbage
  Not something you did to a file
  And if you unzipped anything in public
  You'd be in jail for awhile!

  Log on was adding wood to a fire
  Hard drive was a long trip on the road
  A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
  And a backup happened to your commode!

  Cut - you did with a pocket knife
  Paste you did with glue
  A web was a spider's home
  And a virus was the flue!

  I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
  And the memory in my head
  I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
  But when it happens they wish they were dead!

~~~~~~~~

Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

I. DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have
ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:

1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;

2) In the dark; and

3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS:
1: Show interest only in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.

2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.

3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too.
Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and Ctrl-Alt-Del.

4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.

5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

~~~~~~~~

A Definition
 Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a
 lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and
 showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
 Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins
 with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
 A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"

~~~~~~~~

  The Lighthouses
 I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a
 very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young
 women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next
 to us and asked us where the light houses were.

 "Lighthouses?" I asked. "Yes lighthouses. We are
 new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them"
 The driver replied.

 Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near
 the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"
 "Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses
 here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person"
 the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.

 I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see
 the ad.  You can imagine their disappointment when I read
 the ads and explained that it was for "light house keeping."

~~~~~~~~

 Things To Ponder


If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
Would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?"
And you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
But a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that:
Electricians can be delighted
Musicians denoted
Cowboys deranged
Models deposed
Tree surgeons debarked
Dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion
stars in the universe, you will believe them, but
if they tell you a well has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
Does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles,"
Why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

~~~~~~~~

Bigger In Texas 

A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma.  He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.  Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.

The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"

The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range.  The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"

The son hesitantly said "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?" The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."

The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence.  At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side.  A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road.  The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what the heck is that thing!?"

Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...

~~~~~~~~

Farm Life

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last  $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.


Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.The man tells her that he can sell for $599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says,  "I want to send a telegram
my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." 

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
 

The telegraph operator shakes his head.  "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back  to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable' ?"


The brunette explains,  "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

~~~~~~~~

How Many Women With PMS Does It Take...


How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #@*%&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE
PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!
THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.....

~~~~~~~~

Mom's Day Out


 My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
 "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
 Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love  to!"   
 They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

~~~~~~~~

Today is my Dad's 79th birthday ...  and he sent out this e-mail 

Hi, I'm a senior citizen....
*I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
*I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
*I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
*I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
*I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
*I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
*I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
*I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
*I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
*I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
*I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
*I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
*I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
*I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
*I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh....
*I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
*I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
*I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
*I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
*I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
*I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
*I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
*I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
*I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
*I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life...
Aren't I???

~~~~~~~~

Two Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the firstone.

"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plat of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Me neither. Let's just lie back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O.K." said the first.

So they plopped down, catching some rays.  No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought.........................

"I just love baskin' robins!"

~~~~~~~~

Volunteer Fire Department  

 
   A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.  The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.  Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
   

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire
 truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the
 middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.


   The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.


   A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
   "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

~~~~~~~~

Wanted For Attempted Murder
Linda Daufenbach, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.  Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.  He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.  He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.  When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.  When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.  She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.


 

 

1 comment:

  1. Well Done. The Cat one is spot on. The others were humorous.

    ReplyDelete