Friday, March 9, 2018

School Pictures

   The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
   trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

   "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
   grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
   'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

   A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
   the teacher. She's dead." 


Seven Ten Cap

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all look at each other and ask, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it?" they ask. Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says that it's a Buick.

"Okay, Lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask. She says, "I don't know, but it's always been there."

One of them gives her a note pad and asks her if she can draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes  710. 

The guys behind the counter are looking at it as she writes it ... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. Then one goes and gets it for her.

Yes, she was a blonde.

If you don't get it...draw a circle, write 710 inside of it. Now rotate the circle 180 degrees. 


A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids,
2. Taj Mahal,
3. Grand Canyon,
4. Panama Canal,
5. Empire State Building,
6. St. Peter's Basilica,
7. China's Great Wall.

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear . . . She hesitated a little, and then
5. to run
6. to laugh
7. and to love

It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary." May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous. 


On the side of a firewood delivery truck: "Fulfilling all your burning desires!"

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help Wanted. We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin, Bach in a minuet."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

On a sewer waste removal truck: "We're #1 in the #2 Business


Simple English, Please!

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In simple English what does this translate to??

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.


Singles Ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.


Snoring Dog

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't
sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman totie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she thinks.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Finally, muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks that maybe the ribbon will work on him too. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! She then sleeps soundly.

He wakes in a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did but, by damn, we took 1st and 2nd place!" 



The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"

 "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 "I think you're bad luck."

Steven Wright Classics

- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
 I got a full house and four people died.

- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

- What's another word for -thesaurus?-

- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child... eventually.

- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!-

- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
 Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.-

- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, -Here, you can go

- I went toa general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -
I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.-

- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.

- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room- temperature.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

- You can't have everything... where would you put it?

- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, -Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.- He said, -Yes, but not in a row.-

- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you got anything I'd like?- Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, -Extra medium.-

- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?-

- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long.-

- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, -Didn't you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter...
no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [Slow glance upward.]

\par - I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
\par I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
-Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.-

 - I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.
I said, -I can't find my socks.- She said, -They're behind the couch.-

 - I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. 


Stool Urine & Semen Sample
A partially deaf man goes into the doctor's office for a physical and the doctor says, "I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample." The guy looks at his wife and yells, "What did he say?" His wife replies, "He said you need to being in a pair of your underwear!" 


The Tale of the Cow

There was once a farmer who bought a new car. The car was fine, but the farmer became thoroughly incised over the pricing system, under which optional equipment and extras kept driving the otherwise modest price through the roof. 

Finally his opportunity for revenge walked right onto his farm. The car salesman came to buy a cow. Quick as a wink, when the car salesman asked the price of the cow, the farmer replied, "The price of a standard cow is $500."

"That sounds fine, I'll take it," replied the salesman.
"Good," said the farmer. "Let me figure out the bill." The farmer scribbled on a piece of paper and handed it to the salesman.  His eyes bugged out as he loudly yelled, "$1,747! You told me $500."

"Yep," replied the farmer. "That's right. But there's some optional equipment and a few extras. It's all written down right there on that paper."  One standard cow $500 Two-tones exterior $99 Dual horns $199 Extra stomach $150 Product storage compartment 125 Four dispensing spigots @$25 $100 Genuine cowhide upholstery $499 Automatic flyswatter $ 75 Total $1747

Now, will that be cash, check or visa/master card?



he other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely woman already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F."

I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."

She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I- F."

I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, "S - H - I - T."

The lady was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I - F" one more time.

Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T."

The lady, finally deciding to explain, said, "T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday.....get it?"

 "S - H - I - T....... Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." 


The 14 Letter Job Title

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test.

Both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of 'superintendent.'"

"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down 'Horticulturist.' "



The phone rang.

"Hello, is this Rabbi Swartz?"

"It is."

Rabbi, this is the Internal Revenue Service calling. We wonder if you can help us."

"I'll try."

"Do you know a Herman Cohen?"

"I do."

 "Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to your synagogue?"

 "He will."


The Delivery

In the back woods of a rural town, Mrs. Stewart went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. 

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. 

"Whoa there Sir!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. 

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?" 


The Farmer's Wife

A farmer was sitting at the table, while his wife was preparing dinner. His wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over the farmer said, "Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking, with no comment to her husband. As she put the dinner on the table, she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor. While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said, "Honey, I take that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on the table, and begins eating with no comment to her husband. Later on that night after the couple had gone to bed, the farmer started feeling a little frisky.

As he cuddled up to his wife he noticed that there was no response on her end. He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what was wrong. She replied, "Do you really think, that I am going to fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery for one LITTLE CORN COB?"

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