Friday, March 9, 2018

Lip Prints
middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.  A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.  That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their Lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.  She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.  He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


 Some Awful Groaners
Two guys are found dead in bed covered with corn flakes ........The cops thinks it may be a CEREAL KILLER 

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.  Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

Where does a worm go in a corn field?  In one ear and out the other.

One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States.
The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tidbits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits.  just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but watermelons.  He doted on them.
His brother-pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully.  He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner.  His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her.
She said,...  "Come to me, my melon collie baby."

 Only the Brits could come up with this witty stuff!!!!

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.



10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot...

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."


The Chemistry of HELL

This is an actual question given on a University of Washington CHEMISTRY

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for How many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.


The Dangers Of Following Traditions

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help
the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices,
however, that they are copying copies, and not the original
books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him
about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first
copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes
down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against
the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him, so one of the monks goes
downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from
the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one
of the original books, crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk, "not 'celibate'!"



A lady from California purchased a piece of timber
land in Oregon.  There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good
view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl
that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to
the ground and got many splinters in her private

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest

He listened to her story then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get
permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management
before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area".


A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.  As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.  The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over.  I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.



Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.  This
captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided
merchant ships all over the world.  Never did stormy seas or pirates
get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain.  Every
morning he went through a strange ritual.  He would lock himself
in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.  In the safe was an
envelope with a piece of paper inside.  He would stare at the paper for
a minute, then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. 
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.

Was it a treasure map?  Was it a letter from a long lost love?  Everyone
speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea.  After laying the captain's body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.

He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned and showed the paper to the others.  Four words were
on the paper; two lines with two words each:

     Port Left
     Starboard Right


Thirty Reasons Why It's Nice to Be a Dog

  (1)  No one expects you to take a bath every day.
  (2)  Your friends never expect you to pay for
lunch, dinner, or anything else  for that matter.
  (3)  When it's raining, you can lie around the
house all day and never  worry  about being fired.
  (4)  If it itches, you can reach it.
  (5)  And, no matter what  itches, no one is
offended if you scratch it in public.
  (6)  It doesn't bother you if your favorite
television show is a rerun.
  (7)  You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks
you're insensitive.
  (8)  April 15th means nothing to you.
  (9)  People at drive-through windows never charge
you for treats.
  (10)  Your friends don't think less of you for passing gas.
  (11)  A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
  (12)  No one gets mad if you fall asleep while they're
  (13)  As an adult, it's okay if you haven't amounted to
  (14)  The older you get, the more people respect you.
  (15)  You can sleep late every day.
  (16)  If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
  (17)  You never get in trouble for putting your
head in a stranger's lap
  (18)  There's no such thing as bad food.
  (19)  You don't have to worry about good table manners.
  (20)  Someone else combs your hair.
  (21)  People think you're normal if you stick your
head out the window to feel the wind in your hair.
  (22)  You're always excited to see the same old people.
  (23)  Having big feet is considered an asset.
  (24)  If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
  (25)  Everything smells good to you.
  (26)  A garbage can is a fast-food stop.
  (27)  No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.
  (28)  No matter where you live, you own the place.
  (29)  Your mate never complains because you whine.
  (30)  Puppy love can last.


Views On Aging

 Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
 like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than
 ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you
 think in fractions.

 "How old are you?"
 "I'm four and a half."
 You're never 36 and a half're four and a half going on 5.

 You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.
 You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm
 gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

 Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even
 the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!

 Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong?
 What changed? You BECOME 21;  you TURN 30.

 Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.

 You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After
that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...

 You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My
 Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an
 investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

Happy aging! 


What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

1.  Handsome
2.  Charming
3.  Financially Successful
4.  A Caring Listener
5.  Witty
6.  In Good Shape
7.  Dresses with Style
8.  Appreciates the Finer Things
9.  Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
1.  Not too ugly
2.  Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3.  Works steady
4.  Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5.  Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6.  Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7.  Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.  Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends


Why Parents Get Gray
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,"No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.  "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle...

"They're looking for me."


Sam was trying to show his wife that women talk much more than men.  To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study that showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as opposed to women, who use at least 3,000.  

Gussie, his wife, pondered this for a little while and then thought of an answer.  "Women", she said, "must use twice as many words as men, because they have to repeat every thing they say."


I've always loved you best because you were our first miracle.  You were the genesis of a marriage and the fulfillment of young love.

You sustained us through the hamburger years, the first apartment (furnished in Early Poverty), our first mode of transpiration (1955 Feet) and the seven inch TV we paid on for 36 months.

You were new and had unused grandparents and enough clothes for a set of triplets.  You were the original model for a mom and a dad who were trying to work the bugs out.  You got the strained lamb, the open safety pins and three-hour naps.

You were the beginning.

I've always loved you best because you drew a tough spot in the family and it made you stronger for it.

You cried less, had more patience, wore faded hand-me-downs and never in your life did anything first.  But it only made you more special.  You were the one we relaxed with and realized a dog could kiss you and you wouldn't get sick.  You could cross a street by yourself long before you were old enough to get married.  And you helped us understand the world wouldn't collapse if you went to bed with dirty feet.

You were the child of our busy, ambitious years.  Without you we never could have survived the job changes and tedium and routine that is marriage.

I've always loved you best because while endings are generally sad, you are such a joy.  You readily accepted the milk-stained bibs, the lower bunk, the cracked baseball bat, the baby book that had nothing written in it except a recipe for graham cracker pie crust that someone had jammed between the pages.

You are the one we held onto so tightly.  You are the link with our past, a reason for tomorrow.  You quicken our steps, square our shoulders, restore our vision and give us a sense of humor that security, maturity and durability can't provide.

When your hairline takes on the shape of Lake Erie and your own children tower over you, you will still be our baby.  - 


By Erma Bombeck

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