HELP

To be "sung to the tune of 'Help!' with apologies to Lennon/McCartney."

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay, I worked the help desk for eight hours every day.
End users called me up to tell me what was wrong, And now I find, it fried my mind, I worked "the desk" too long.

"Help me if you can, my system's down!
And a reboot didn't bring it back 'round!
Should it make that awful grinding sound?
Help desk pleeeeeease, please help me!"

And now my work has changed in oh so many ways, I wrangle data; I'm an MCDBA.
But now and then the help desk sneaks into my dreams, I'm taking calls, I'm up the walls, I wake up with a scream.

"Help me if you can my system's down!
I read virus-laden e-mails by the pound!
All my data's one big steaming mound!
Help desk PLEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay, I worked the help desk for eight hours every day.
But now I wish that I could travel back in time, I wouldn't cry, if only I could leave that desk behind.

"Help me if you can my system's down!
Spilled my coffee, now my hard drive's full of grounds!
Lost my pictures filled with women bound!
HELP DESK PLEEEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!
HELP ME!
HELP ME! Oooooooo...."

~~~~~~~~

American Ingenuity

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they
were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down
and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight.

They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred
them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected
only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed
his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years
they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever
seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it. When the day came for the
dogfight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the big Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dogin one bite. There was nothing left of the entire Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have
happened. "We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
~~~~~~~~~

US Naval Communications This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

~~~~~~~~

A young girl was baby-sitting for the first time - beginning her
shift shortly after supper and as the children were playing in front of
the house.

At bedtime she sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled
down to watch TV.

One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young girl kept
sending him back.

At 9 PM, the doorbell rang, it was the next door neighbor Mrs.
Brown, asking whether her son was there. The babysitter brusquely
replied, "No."

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice
shouted, "I'm here Mom but she won't let me go home."
~~~~~~~~

Backseat Driver

  A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
  The following exchange takes place...

  The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

  Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

  Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

  Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives
  his wife a dirty look.)

  Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
  broken tail light."

  Man: "Broken tail light?  I didn't know about a broken
  tail light!"

  Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light
  for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

  Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for
  not wearing your seat belt."

  Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up
  to the car."

  Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

  The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!".

  The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does
  your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

  The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

~~~~~~~~

Barbecuing...
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do but what most people don't understand is that when a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The guests congratulate the man for his excellent cooking and he takes a bow.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

~~~~~~~~

BEWARE!  This is a GROANER!!!

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot.  One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried,
except for one thing; she would approach people who
were sitting on the beach,  glance around furtively, then
speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off, but  occasionally someone would nod and
there would be a quick exchange of money or something she
carried in her bag.  The couple  assumed she was selling drugs
and debated calling the cops, but since  they didn't know for
sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you
ever noticed  that she only goes up to people with boom boxes
and  other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want
you to get a towel and our big radio
and go lie out on the beach.  Then we can find out what
she's really doing?"

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was
almost hopping
 up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl
talk to her husband
and  then leave.  The man walked up the beach and met
his wife at the road.

"Well?  Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement
pouring out with her voice.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

"Well?  What is it, then?  What does she do?" his wife
fairly shrieked.

 The man grinned and said, "She's a 'battery lady.'"

"A what? Batteries? BATTERIES!!!" cried the wife.



 (here it comes.... you've been warned! )






 "Yes," he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the seashore!"

~~~~~~~~

Bears

 If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat
yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
business.

You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
 If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake
up growling. 
He EXPECTS
that you will have hairy legs and excess body
fat.

I wanna be a bear. 

~~~~~~~~

Brain Cells

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."