The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said,' But I don't want the eggs..'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress..
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Three Elderly ladies are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly, there is a beeping sound.
The first lady presses her fore arm and the beeping stops. The others look at her curiously, "that's my pager," she says, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second lady lifts her palm to her ear. when she finishes she explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third lady, feeling decidedly low tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear. The others raise their eyebrow.
"Oh, I am getting a Fax," she explains.
A Long Story
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now
I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.
A Court Room Scene
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
``Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,'' the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. 'Within
1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,' he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
A WOMAN'S VOCABULARY
FINE: This is the word we use to end an argument.
"Fine" means that the argument is over, we are
right, you should shut up. Never use "Fine" to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause
you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent
to the five minutes that your football game is going
to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that
it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be
on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe
the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One
that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or
"Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed
by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still
often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh"means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men
actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to
not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH: This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him
about what you were doing last night." If she says, "Oh"
before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done
tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect
her to talk to you for at least two days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you
are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it,
or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by
acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous
statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay"
means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
on your punishment for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point
in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are
going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A
woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you
have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just
say, "You're welcome."
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks." A
woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off
at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way,
and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
Fortunately, I'm fairly familiar with that vocabulary lesson having learned it at the "School of Hard Knocks". Typically around my head.ReplyDelete