I have been considering some changes to this blog of late.
I have come to a place where I must either stop doing this altogether or gack things back to a reasonable exercise.
Life gets more complex as one moves along, and adjustments must be made to activities from time to time in order to accommodate those changes.
Therefore, I have decided that instead of posting Monday, Wednesday and
Friday for 12 hours, I will post on a hit or miss basis, and keep things
to fewer posting hours.
"G'mornin' " and Coffee time will still start things off, but I am going to keep the number of days and hours down so I can have more time to pay attention to other things in my life...kinda like the more sane bloggers do.
The idea of Daylight Saving Time dates back to the 18th century and has been inconsistently observed since World War One.
Ben Franklin is the first to be attributed with the idea of Daylight Saving Time. The founding father, while living in Paris, wrote that the sun was rising earlier than usual, according to Dr. David Prerau, Daylight Saving Time expert and author of Seize the Daylight: The Curious and Contentious Story of Daylight Saving Time.
Franklin imagined how many candles could be saved if people were rising with the sun each morning.
And thus, the idea that daylight saving time could save energy was born.
More than 100 years later, British builder, William Willett also felt that people were missing the best part of the day as the sun was rising earlier than usual. He introduced the concept of moving the clocks forward during the summer months to ensure longer days. Willet fought to introduce DST to the U.K. but did not see the concept come to life before he died.
During World War I, the Start Time Act was passed and established time zones and incorporated DST into federal law. Due to the war, it was important to conserve materials for the war effort, and law enforcers believed that longer daytime hours would limit the number of tasks that would need to be completed at night.
Following the conclusion of World War I, Daylight Saving Time was revoked until World War II. It was referred to as “War Time” and spanned from February until September.
After World War II, it was up to a locality's discretion as to whether they would observe Daylight Saving Time or not. The non-uniform DST led to mass confusion and miscommunication, especially among transportation services.
In 1966, the Uniform Time Act was passed and gave states the option to forego DST observation if they passed proper ordinances.
Since then, some states have chosen to opt out of observing while others continue to observe DST.
“Historically, it’s used to save energy. It reduces traffic accidents, and it benefits public health,” Prerau said. “People are more likely to go outdoors when it’s light out; it increases productivity.”
Prerau also noted that studies show Daylight Saving Time decreases crime rates; people are more likely to commit outdoor crimes in the hour after sunset rather than the hour before sunrise.
“People should ask themselves, is the unpleasantness of losing an hour sleep and changing your clocks and having some negative affects the first day or two more important than the benefit of having an extra hour of daylight for 8 months and reducing traffic accidents, crime and energy use?” Prerau prompted.
Although the length of Daylight Saving Time has changed three times since the 1960s, it appears the practice is here to stay.
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.
Can a first cousin, once removed, return?
Searching for lost relatives? Win the lottery!
Every family tree has some sap in it.
Genealogy: A haystack full of needles. It's the threads I need.
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools.
I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.
Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related.
Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life?
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)
Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")
Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
Home Economics 1950's
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
NOW THE UPDATED VERSION FOR THE 90'S WOMAN:
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the Lancome counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
Making Babies Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Bob, Tom, Ryan and Dave go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bonehead, Dogman, Cucciolo (thats "puppy" in italian) and Pooman.
EATING OUT And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
HANDWRITING To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
GROCERIES A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys them.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer, then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sak’s. When she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS Women love cats.
Men say they love cats. When women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style".
WEDDINGS When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
The New Lion Tamer The circus advertised for the new lion tamer and had two applicants - a young women and an older man.
The circus manager decided to test their skills with the lion so he first asked the young women to show him what she could do.
She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the lion walked up and nuzzled her bare legs.
The astonished circus owner then said to the old man, "Can you do that?"
"You're darn right I can," said the old man, "just get the lion out of there first."
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?" ~~~~~~~~
Subject: Chevy-Nova Awards
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
Dividing The Pecans
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick", said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They said the old guy made it back to town a full 5 minutes before the young boy.
Come Hell or High Water One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.
A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. For a second time, she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack, and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan who was behind her in the line, picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Lip Prints middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their Lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Some Awful Groaners Two guys are found dead in bed covered with corn flakes ........The cops thinks it may be a CEREAL KILLER
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
Where does a worm go in a corn field? In one ear and out the other.
One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tidbits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but watermelons. He doted on them. His brother-pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She said,... "Come to me, my melon collie baby." ~~~~~~~~
Only the Brits could come up with this witty stuff!!!!
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot...
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
The Chemistry of HELL
This is an actual question given on a University of Washington CHEMISTRY mid-term:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for How many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
The Dangers Of Following Traditions
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him, so one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk, "not 'celibate'!"
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area".
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
THE SECRET TO GREAT LEADERSHIP
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.
He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left Starboard Right
Thirty Reasons Why It's Nice to Be a Dog
(1) No one expects you to take a bath every day. (2) Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter. (3) When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired. (4) If it itches, you can reach it. (5) And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public. (6) It doesn't bother you if your favorite television show is a rerun. (7) You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive. (8) April 15th means nothing to you. (9) People at drive-through windows never charge you for treats. (10) Your friends don't think less of you for passing gas. (11) A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours. (12) No one gets mad if you fall asleep while they're talking. (13) As an adult, it's okay if you haven't amounted to anything. (14) The older you get, the more people respect you. (15) You can sleep late every day. (16) If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices. (17) You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap (18) There's no such thing as bad food. (19) You don't have to worry about good table manners. (20) Someone else combs your hair. (21) People think you're normal if you stick your head out the window to feel the wind in your hair. (22) You're always excited to see the same old people. (23) Having big feet is considered an asset. (24) If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault. (25) Everything smells good to you. (26) A garbage can is a fast-food stop. (27) No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet. (28) No matter where you live, you own the place. (29) Your mate never complains because you whine. (30) Puppy love can last.
Views On Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half ....you're four and a half going on 5.
You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!
Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.
By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...
You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there....
Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
WHAT I WANT IN A MAN
What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially Successful 4. A Caring Listener 5. Witty 6. In Good Shape 7. Dresses with Style 8. Appreciates the Finer Things 9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises 10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42) ---------------------------------- 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Works steady 4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting 5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 10. Shaves on weekends
Why Parents Get Gray The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle...
"They're looking for me."
Sam was trying to show his wife that women talk much more than men. To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study that showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as opposed to women, who use at least 3,000.
Gussie, his wife, pondered this for a little while and then thought of an answer. "Women", she said, "must use twice as many words as men, because they have to repeat every thing they say."
DEAR FIRSTBORN: I've always loved you best because you were our first miracle. You were the genesis of a marriage and the fulfillment of young love.
You sustained us through the hamburger years, the first apartment (furnished in Early Poverty), our first mode of transpiration (1955 Feet) and the seven inch TV we paid on for 36 months.
You were new and had unused grandparents and enough clothes for a set of triplets. You were the original model for a mom and a dad who were trying to work the bugs out. You got the strained lamb, the open safety pins and three-hour naps.
You were the beginning.
DEAR MIDDLE CHILD: I've always loved you best because you drew a tough spot in the family and it made you stronger for it.
You cried less, had more patience, wore faded hand-me-downs and never in your life did anything first. But it only made you more special. You were the one we relaxed with and realized a dog could kiss you and you wouldn't get sick. You could cross a street by yourself long before you were old enough to get married. And you helped us understand the world wouldn't collapse if you went to bed with dirty feet.
You were the child of our busy, ambitious years. Without you we never could have survived the job changes and tedium and routine that is marriage.
TO THE BABY: I've always loved you best because while endings are generally sad, you are such a joy. You readily accepted the milk-stained bibs, the lower bunk, the cracked baseball bat, the baby book that had nothing written in it except a recipe for graham cracker pie crust that someone had jammed between the pages.
You are the one we held onto so tightly. You are the link with our past, a reason for tomorrow. You quicken our steps, square our shoulders, restore our vision and give us a sense of humor that security, maturity and durability can't provide.
When your hairline takes on the shape of Lake Erie and your own children tower over you, you will still be our baby. -
The Images of a Mother: 4 YEAR OLD: My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEAR OLD: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEAR OLD: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEAR OLD: Naturally, my Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEAR OLD: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEAR OLD: That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEAR OLD: Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEAR OLD: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEAR OLD: Wonder what Mom would have thought
thought about it?
65 YEAR OLD: Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
The Texan A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...
They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".
The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn "Is this a road, or a track?"
So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid grass hoppers!"
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER -------------------------- An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flue!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS: 1: Show interest only in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and Ctrl-Alt-Del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.
A Definition Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
The Lighthouses I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were.
"Lighthouses?" I asked. "Yes lighthouses. We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them" The driver replied.
Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?" "Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.
I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained that it was for "light house keeping."
Things To Ponder
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, Would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?" And you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, But a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that: Electricians can be delighted Musicians denoted Cowboys deranged Models deposed Tree surgeons debarked Dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a well has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, Does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," Why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
Bigger In Texas
A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property. Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.
The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?" The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what the heck is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.The man tells her that he can sell for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable' ?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
How Many Women With PMS Does It Take...
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #@*%&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.....
Mom's Day Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Today is my Dad's 79th birthday ... and he sent out this e-mail
Hi, I'm a senior citizen.... *I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm. *I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. *I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. *I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... *I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. *I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. *I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. *I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. *I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. *I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care. *I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians... *I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet. *I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. *I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg. *I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh.... *I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate. *I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. *I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. *I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. *I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. *I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? *I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory. *I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins. *I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to the storeroom. *I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I???
Two Robins Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the firstone.
"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plat of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Me neither. Let's just lie back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O.K." said the first.
So they plopped down, catching some rays. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought.........................
"I just love baskin' robins!"
Volunteer Fire Department
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
Wanted For Attempted Murder Linda Daufenbach, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
TWO DIGITS FOR A DATE (to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale Of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits for a date. Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then: Hard disks were smaller, too. "Four digits are extravagant, So let's get by with two. So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999," The programmers did say. "Unless we rewrite by then It all will go away. It all will go away.
But Management had not a clue: "It works fine now, you bet! A rewrite is a straight expense: We won't do it just yet. We won't do it just yet."
Now when 2000 rolls around It all goes straight to hell, For, Zero's less than ninety-nine, As anyone can tell. As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check It won't be sent to you When you're no longer sixty-eight, But minus thirty-two But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face Are frightening, for sure. And reading every line of code's The only certain cure. The only certain cure.
(key change, big finish)
There's not much time, There's too much code. (And Cobol-coders, few) When the century is finished with We may be finished, too. We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now I hope That things weren't left too late, And people aren't then lamenting Four digits for a date. Four digits for a date.
God created the mule, and told him: "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass but you will lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years." The mule answered: "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20," And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him: "You are Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded: "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a fool to amuse his grandchildren. And it was so.
This is an actual job application submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)
NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
JUST HER SIZE - by Dave Barry
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: if you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. Also, if women were in charge of all the world’s nations, there would be – I sincerely believe this – virtually no military conflicts, and if there was a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful, and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes, written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peach Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
So, I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is…clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective – follow me closely here – is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he’ll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you’re standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says, “Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!”
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number, such as “8” or “10”. Don’t as me “8” or “10” of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size. She can’t! Her size is 8! So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. “Hi!” he’ll say, when his wife finds him. “You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night, and…” “Am I fat?” she’ll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers, “yes,” she’ll be angry because he’s saying she’s fat, and if he answers, “no,” she’ll be angry because HE’S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8’s FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband.
I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they’re fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult. The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "“ wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a “6” on them!”
Here’s how you could get rich: Start a women’s clothing store called “SIZE 2” in which al garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words “SIZE 2”. I bet you’d sell clothes like crazy. You’d probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I’m thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
A Lawyer And A Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a of of fun. He explains......I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa. Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50! figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, so what IS the answer!? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Another Dumb Blond Joke
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied,"There certainly is!"
(are you ready?)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
The Corporate Lingo Directory "COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job I'm outta here.
Dear Tech Support: I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Frustrated
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support."
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you readthe entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck. Tech Support
Bears in Bars A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
First Sky Diving Jump
A fellow gets ready to make his first jump. His jumpmaster sees he's nervous and says, "Don't worry. Just get out there, arch, count to ten, and pull your main ripcord. If there's a problem with the main, you know you have a reserve. When you land, the truck will pick you up and take you back to the loft."
So the fellow exits, arches and pulls. Nothing happens. He pulls on his reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of the reserve container. He's falling faster, close to terminal, and he looks at the ground and says, "Great. I bet the darn truck won't be there, either."
The lost Dr. Seuss book:
I LOVE MY JOB
I love my job, I love the pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my boss; he is the best! I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, And the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and all its software; I hug it often though it doesn't care... I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am; I'm the happiest slave of my uncle Sam. I love this work: I love these chores. I love the meetings with those deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly men - These men who've come to visit today In lovely white coats to take me away!